Whatever comes to mind

Life hasn’t dealt me much to complain/rave about, meaning I haven’t had much material to post. Until tonight…

Tonight, Matt came into the restaurant to see Dennis before he left to go back to the rig. This was the first time I’ve seen him since I broke things off with him a few months ago. It was nice to see him and he made me come around the bar to give him a hug. At one point while he was there, Kim asked him about his new girlfriend because she saw on fb that he had one. He kind of went awkward because I was within earshot but he talked to Dennis and Kim about her once I left to keep working. I was a little curious to know more about this girl that convinced him to get into a relationship not two months after he stopped seeing me. I didn’t hear anything, but after I was done work, I went for drinks with Dennis and this is what he told me.

Despite them being fb-official, Matt is thinking about breaking up with her (they’ve only been together for three weeks). His reasoning was that he’s tired of hearing her whine about how she’s not going anywhere with her life and it’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t think it’s salvageable anymore. 

When Dennis told me this, I kind of felt a tinge of… joy? Happiness? I don’t know what exactly it was, but I felt like he gave up something great that he had with me for her. I know that I was the one that broke things off with him, but he was the one that wasn’t ready to commit more to me. It just made me feel better about him getting into this relationship after him telling me for so long that he didn’t want one.

While he was sitting at the bar, we were very friendly and it was great seeing him, but when he left, he didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just upped and left. I took it as kind of a dick move and texted him, saying I couldn’t believe he didn’t come find me before he left. Shit like that just makes me more positive that I did the right thing in breaking things off with him. I deserve better. 

I don’t know if it’s the two beers that I had or what, but I’m secretly very pleased that his relationship didn’t work out. I know, I’m such a bitch for saying that, but it’s the truth. And if I’m being truthful, I should admit that I BRIEFLY pictured us getting back together and it was kind of comforting. Realistically, I know that will never happen because I know, deep down, I don’t want it to, but I miss just having someone to cuddle with…

I’m getting to that lonely point again and it kind of sucks. A lot.

I just re-read my post about my shitty week, including the part about how I found out that Matt was in a new relationship. I got a little sad and then, Matt all of a sudden texted me. Didn’t say hi or how’s it going, just “So what’s the deal with that lady at the art gallery?” I explained it and it came to a point where the topic was over and I was going to comment on his new relationship, but then I decided to just stop replying rather than bringing up a sore subject and making myself feel shitty for the rest of the day. 

When I was playing frisbee with Tom, he asked me what was going on with Matt and I told him about the relationship. Tom assumed that I would be jealous and upset, but in all honesty, I told him that I was happy for him. Which I am, despite being a little hurt. Matt is a great guy and it’s not his (nor my) fault if I wasn’t the one for him.

If this were a few years ago, I probably would have gotten into it with Matt (via text) today, but I feel older and more mature when it comes to situations like this. 

Maybe I’m finally accepting that everything happens for a reason. I’ve seen for myself that each guy that I meet is an improvement from the previous guy. I can only hope that the next guy I meet, I get along with even better than I do with Tom, who makes me laugh more, who can have deep and intimate conversations with me, and who can love me for me.

Here’s to being hopeful.

1) Today, I went to play frisbee with Tom because Joel bailed on teaching me how to longboard. When he finally had enough of my shitty throwing, we went over to the 7-11 for slurpees, which he had to buy because I had no money on me. Once we got back to his place, we were laying in his bed and I was making fun of the book he had on his night stand when he told me to come over to him and cuddle. Proud moment: Me saying no, I’m good.

2) Tonight, he stayed with me for close and while I was doing the cashout, he was asking me what I liked about him. I played it off because for me, I’m over him. So instead, he asked me what I hated about him, and I answered the fact that he asks girls for naked pictures of themselves. He tried telling me how he was just joking, but I told him straight out that it was just shit that I didn’t want to waste my time on. As we left the building, I gave him a hug because it was his last night working there and he tried kissing me, but I moved my head away. He asked for just a kiss on the cheek and I said no. I told him that I wasn’t going to play into his bullshit. Proud moment: Standing up for myself and not falling for his games.

He was asking me if we would still hang out now that he’s not working at the restaurant and I was very up front with him and I told him we would, but that he should know that I probably won’t be the one calling him, so if he wanted to hang out, he needed to call me. At some point in the night, he made a joke about how I wore the pants in our relationship and I told him, yeah that’s right, because I don’t put up with your bullshit! 

He wants to go fishing sometime this week and I suggested Saturday morning because I have to have my car out of my parking lot from 8am-6pm, but I just remembered that I have to work at noon, so we’ll see if it happens. Otherwise, I would be fine with never/only occasionally seeing him again.

Like I say, if a guy wants to hang out with me, they’ll get in touch with me.

“Chance encounters are what keep us going.”- Haruki Murakami

I found this quote just over a week ago, before shit started hitting the fan, and it’s so true. My chance encounter with Peter made last week just that bit more tolerable. We even talked about how random it was that we met each other and had such an immediate connection. 

Here’s to more chance encounters. Maybe even one that will change my life…

It dawned on me how to explain how I can have meaningless one-night stands but not sleep with someone I know just once:

It’s the fact that I know that I won’t see the one-night stand again that makes me okay with it, whereas with people I know, I start to irrationally imagine a future with them. Knowing that I won’t see my one-night stand again lets me enjoy the present without the fear of whether or not they’re going to call me the next day or if sleeping with them has any other meaning. 

I’ll admit, I’m afraid to sleep with people I know because I know I’ll end up developing feelings for them. My heart is in my vagina. If I see the person on a regular basis, I’ll start to have irrational feelings for them and then I’ll get hurt once I realize that, to them, it was just sex. 

This being said, I told Tara tonight that I’m probably not going to continue with my “legs closed” policy, but at the same time, I’m definitely not going to sleep with anyone from my restaurant, especially Tom. 

I don’t even know where to start, I’ve just had a bunch of small things cumulate and now I’m stuck in such a bad funk and I can’t seem to shake it.

Work at the restaurant just isn’t the same anymore. I used to really enjoy working there, but now, I find myself getting pissed off the minute I walk into the building. It doesn’t help that the second that I walk in, I start getting bitched at by some of the managers. The bar is falling apart. The owner’s son is now bartending with me and he’s “not allowed” to close any night, meaning I close 5 days a week, getting no days off for my (now non-existent) social life. Last night, I was supposed to get off early, but then when I got in, Doug told me that Michelle, the owner’s wife, was pissed off that Ben, her son, was getting back so late from work, so he wasn’t allowed to close anymore. Now Doug is looking for a new bartender so that I don’t have to close every night, which would seem good, but knowing Doug, that would just mean that I’ll be taken off that day completely. The restaurant doesn’t do anything to make their staff loyal to them and you can see it as everyone of their long-term staff are leaving. For the past week now, I’ve been thinking about finding another job. When I’m not there, I think maybe I can last the last three months, but then the second I walk in the door, I realize that I can’t keep putting myself in such a toxic environment. 

Tom was in Vancouver a couple of weeks ago and I only heard from him once, to tell me about how he was at a gay club and had girls grinding up on him, slapping his ass because they thought he was gay. I got Wednesday off to go to Brina’s place for dinner for Tara’s birthday, so I didn’t get to see him then and so, I didn’t get to see him until last night at work. Things just seemed a little different. A little stiff. I was having a really bad day and he could tell so he asked if I wanted to go out for drinks. I said yes, but then towards the end of the night, Kim tells me that he’s been asking him for naked pictures of her! WTF DUDE. After that, I started to give him the cold shoulder, kind of felt bad about it but then I remembered that I don’t give a shit anymore. He stayed after he was done for me to finish, but Kim was leaving at the same time as us, and so in accordance to his “let’s keep this all on the DL,” I just said good night to the both of them and went home. When I got home, we were texting and I found out even more shitty news (to be discussed later), and so I asked if he wanted to go get drunk with me. He asked me for one good reason why he should come over, which I responded, “it would be fun and you’d help to get me out of my funk.” He said that it wasn’t good enough and that I should send him a sexy picture. I laughed and told him no, he has other people he’s asking those from. I know I took him off guard because it took him a while to reply and when he did, he tried to make a joke about how he wanted to see what the Stamps are so into. A few more jokes were said and then I just stopped replying because I didn’t want to go on joking around, when what he did really sucks. I was really excited about the prospects with him. We got along so well and I would laugh so much when I spent time with him. But at the same time, I don’t want to do the whole secretive thing anymore. If I’m seeing someone, I don’t want to have to lie about who I’m hanging out with, or who I have plans with, etc. I thought he was really into me, but now that I know that he’s asking other girls for pictures, I know that he can’t be that into me. I think my gut feeling was right about him. He was only ever interested in me as the girl from the restaurant. I’m sure he has a girl at the airport and then several others that I don’t know about. Whatever, I’m just glad I never slept with him, because if I did, I would have been a reck, knowing that he just played me. If he thinks he can weasel his way out of this, he’s sorely mistaken. I’m not the kind of girl to wait around for him to get his shit together.

So for the shitty news that I found out after getting home from work last night: Matt is now in a relationship, according to fb. I’m happy for him, I really am. I don’t want him back at all, but at the same time, we were sleeping together for 6 months and the whole time, he was telling me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and that he didn’t have the time or money for a relationship. Yet, a month and a half after I break things off, that’s exactly what he has. It just makes me feel a little shitty, knowing that he was lying to me the whole time and that he just didn’t want a relationship with me. What sucks a little more is that this is the exact same timing as Eric and his new gf after we broke up. It makes me feel like I’m easily replaceable. 

I’m just going to give up on having feelings for people. I find it only ends up with me getting hurt, no matter what, because I’m such a fucking softie. I know that I adopted a whole “legs closed” policy, but at the same time, I like that physical pleasure… It’s hard to explain, but I am a person who can have a one night stand and be emotionally great afterwards, but if I sleep with someone who I have feelings with for one night and then not talk to them for a while after, I will be an emotional mess. It’s like, I can separate the physical and emotional connection, depending on who it is. I’m not going to deny myself pleasure anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I’m just going to start sleeping around with random people, and that also means that I’m going to be very careful not to sleep with anyone who I think I could develop emotions for, because that will just end in a Matt-esque situation, where I develop feelings and the guy doesn’t and just takes me for granted/sex.

That all being said, I guess now would be the time to discuss the one-night stand that I had on Thursday… I worked a NZ Wine Tasting event at the gallery all day, and for most of the day, there was one guy, Peter, that I was flirting with. We started interacting because he was playing with the lights and I had to go over and scold him. He was really good about it and joked around with me, and from then on, we just kept joking the rest of the day. Towards the end of the event, he asked what we (Sarah and I) were doing after work, and we told him that we were going to the Bear & Kilt. After he was done, he went over with his buddies to check it out, but then came back to the gallery to tell us it was too much of a shit hole and that he would pay for us to drink at the James Joyce, the nicer bar right beside the Bear. How could we say no! We booked it out of work (the next day, I got scolded for the shitty job we did) and headed over there. It was a lot of fun and at one point, he was asking if I had a boyfriend and then started stroking my leg under the table! He invited me to come over to his hotel room to hang out and I told him I would think about it. Sarah left with Tristan early because she had to work early the next morning and then slowly everyone else started leaving. Me and Caitlin, another girl from the gallery, caught a ride with the guy driving everyone. He dropped us off at Hotel Arts, where his co-workers were staying, and we went in to see if the hotel bar was still open. It (not surprisingly) wasn’t and so Caitlin took off. On the car ride there, Peter was telling me that we could kiss and cuddle if I wanted to and so after Caitlin left, I went up to Peter’s room with him. He was such a gentleman and would open doors for me and let me walk in front of him. He told me that the situation was so weird and that it was rare for him to feel a connection like we had with a stranger. He was so sweet and tender and attentive. It was such a change from sleeping with Matt! I didn’t realize how deprived I was, since I hadn’t slept with anyone since Matt haha. I ended up sleeping the night there, despite me thinking I probably shouldn’t, but then it ended up being nice, because I woke up to some nice morning sex haha. Peter was getting picked up at 930am, so we had to wake up a little early, but it was okay. 

After getting home, I did a little bit of recon on Peter, because I didn’t even get his last name! I knew which wine company he worked for and by just googling “Peter Spy Valley Wine,” I was able to find a little bio on him. The night we met, we were talking about travels and when I said I loved Japan, he told us that he lived there for a couple of years. Do you know why? Because he played professional rugby in Japan! I’m not sure how old he is, but it seems like he’s in his 30s. He’s from New Zealand, sexy accent included, and has long-ish beach-bum-ish blond hair that first caught my attention in the first place. I’m a little sad that I’m going to grad school instead of traveling NZ, but at the same time, I’m looking forward to all the accents that they’ll have in England!

I was so upset last night that I went to bed at midnight (unheard of for me!) and woke up early, thinking I was going to go to the gym, but then looked outside and IT WAS SNOWING. So here I am, still in my pyjamas, and I have no plan on doing anything but sitting here until I have to shower and go to work at 5pm.

The only thing keeping me in Calgary for the next three months is my grandma. If it weren’t for her and my wanting to spend as much time with her as I can before I leave the country, I would pack up and move back to Aurora today.

I’m so done with Calgary.

… How I was going to detach myself from Tom?

Well that day, at work (I didn’t think he was working), he stayed until close with me and after everyone left, we made out a bit in the kitchen and then he gave me a goodbye kiss when we went to our cars. He said, “See you in a week,” and gave me a kiss.

I swoon for that shit.

And it fucking pisses me off!

No contact. Self-control. Denial…

(When he gets back, if he wants to get together, I’m going to just ask him straight out if there are other girls that he’s interested in. If there are, I can just know and then that’s that. I’d be able to let him go much easier.)